Skip to main content

Now is Not the Time to Politicize the Tragedies That Have Happened Inside This Haunted House


In wake of recent events, my thoughts and prayers are with the victims who went missing after our group split up inside the abandoned house to find any valuable heirlooms that had been left behind after the late homeowner died under mysterious circumstances. This tragedy is unspeakable, because many of our mouths have been sealed shut by some otherworldly substance, and I send my warmest condolences to whichever dimension our friends’ souls are tethered to.

Right now is a time for consoling the survivors, and mourning the loss of our beloved companion, who told us that she didn't believe in ghosts, right before a phantom emerged from a dusty hallway mirror and pulled her into it. We will never forget the terrified look in her eyes as she pounded her fists on the glass that she was trapped behind. My thoughts and prayers are also with the couple who we heard screaming in what we believe was the very bedroom where the dead body of a priest was found, his lifeless hands clutching an amulet of unknown origin, according to local legend. I'm sure it can't be easy knowing that one of the most attractive members of our group has gone missing in the old library, but I hope that you will take solace in the fact that even in the most crushing darkness, light will always find a way to shine through (specifically in the form the two glowing, sinister specks that have seemed to follow us - like the eyes of a hungry creature - ever since the front door slammed shut behind us).

There is a time and place for a political debate, but now is the time to unite as explorers of this seemingly empty mansion. Out of respect for our friends, it would be inappropriate to discuss our method of escape, or what we should do to to appease any supernatural forces that lurk behind these walls.

We are currently looking around the old library for any messages etched in the furniture, glowing orbs that may contain our friends’ trapped souls, or trapdoors concealed beneath oriental rugs. A motive behind the tormented spirit at work in the haunted manor is yet to be discovered, so it would be premature for us to discuss any group rules when we don't know whether we’re being terrorized  by the reanimated skeleton of a long-dead matriarch, the vengeful ghost of one of the former servants, or a deranged, lone ghoul who is compelled to consume the flesh of the first living being it came in contact with.

May the spirit of adventure be with you as we accidentally pull a lever when we remove a book from the large shelf in the far corner of the room, revealing a secret passageway that leads to a spiral staircase made entirely out of stone. Thank you, and God bless America.

Comments

Post a Comment

Read These If You Have Nothing Better to Do

How to tell if you have a horse infestation… and what to do about it.

Click  here  to read at funny-ish.com.
Post a Comment
Read more

Making Sacrifices in Housing Choices: The Millennial Reality

Millennials get a lot of criticism from older generations like Baby Boomers and ancient spirits trapped in the old tree outside my dentist's office. Some of it is fair, but most of it, in my experience, is unfair. I think any generation has members who complain too much, are entitled, or think the world revolves around them, so w hen I hear people criticizing Millennials as "selfish" or "lazy" or "crying too loudly in the Taco Bell drive thru," I can't help but roll my eyes. In all honesty, most Millennials I know are  selfless, determined, and only cry in the drive thru at Wendy's. Many  of us are struggling to survive in an economic climate that doesn't give us the jobs we went to school for, so we have made a lot of sacrifices in order to make ends meet. For instance, I have recently begun living life as a house cat in order to stay with a couple rent-free. It took a lot of humility for me to agree to live this way. I had been s...
Post a Comment
Read more

Painful Pain

With my eyes I cry, the tears tear tears In my skin, like shards of glass. And I bleed emotion. Emotion that cuts at my heart, like another shard of glass, And breaks it, like a rock through a pane of glass. A pane that is painful whenever it is touched and falls apart like a shattering of glass. A shattering that scatters my smattered pain. Painful pain, full of glass and empty burrito wrappers
Post a Comment
Read more

9 Questions to NEVER Ask a Gay Person

As a gay person, it’s common to get frustrating questions. If you consider yourself an ally and have asked one of these before, reconsider how you interact with queer people! 1 .) "How many people have you killed?" Wow... just, no. The fact that someone dates people of the same gender does NOT mean they're also a serial murderer. Don't just assume that your gay coworker has a mass grave in their backyard: if they've taken the lives of several people, trust me, they'll tell you! 2.)  " So who's the man and who's the woman in the relationship? " Not everyone speaks English. Its offensive to assume that everyone speaks the same language as you. Newsflash: America doesn't have a national language, so not everyone is going to know what you're saying. Try to be understanding of the fact that some Americans never learned English. 3.)  " What's the circumference of the earth? " There's nothin...
Post a Comment
Read more