The eclipse is almost upon us, and there's a lot that people don't know, like "Who really killed JFK?" and "How many mice are living behind the oven?" You submitted questions, here are the answers: Why does the solar eclipse happen? A solar eclipse happens because God is angry with us. Like pissed. Really pissed. Humans have displeased God, so as punishment, the Moon will pass between the Earth and the Sun. This is a punishment, obviously, because big shadows are bad and scary. There's no way to know why exactly why God is mad, as biblical scholars are split. Most, however, believe he is pissed off because of either gay people or The Emoji Movie . Should I look directly at the solar eclipse? Do whatever you want, I'm not your dad. Unless... What if I am your dad? If I am, then you SHOULD look at the solar eclipse. I want you to go blind. I don't want you to have to look upon the face of the father that abandoned you,
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