Web-site musings

The eclipse is almost upon us, and there's a lot that people don't know, like "Who really killed JFK?" and "How many mice are living behind the oven?" You submitted questions, here are the answers: Why does the solar eclipse happen? A solar eclipse happens because God is angry with us. Like pissed. Really pissed. Humans have displeased God, so as punishment, the Moon will pass between the Earth and the Sun. This is a punishment, obviously, because big shadows are bad and scary.  There's no way to know why exactly why God is mad, as biblical scholars are split. Most, however, believe he is pissed off because of either gay people or The Emoji Movie . Should I look directly at the solar eclipse? Do whatever you want, I'm not your dad. Unless... What if I am your dad? If I am, then you SHOULD look at the solar eclipse. I want you to go blind. I don't want you to have to look upon the face of the father that abandoned you, ...

Dear Mr. Trump, I may not agree with your political positions, but I will respect the fact that you are the Master of the Lamp. I may have not voted for you, and even if others around me don't treat you like you're the president, I still owe you one last wish. You are a polarizing figure, and though you make a lot of people angry, I know that I must remain civil. This is because the curse that the old woman cast upon me hundreds of years ago forces me to remain loyal to the one human that commands me. I may not like this system, but I live in America, and must recognize the Electoral College, and the fact that over 60 years ago you happened to utter the correct incantation while holding the very relic I reside in. I did not vote for you, as I am physically incapable of performing any action not willed upon by the Master, but I accept that others did vote for you. I accept that you became president not because of Russian interference in the election, but because for yo...

We've been hearing a lot about fake news in the media lately. I certainly understand the importance of a free press, for George Washington himself is known for saying that "Newspapers are very very very good. If newspapers were a lady, Martha would have to watch out!" While most people agree with this famous quote, George "America's Daddy" Washington also wore a weird-ass wig, so it's hard to know what to think of the free press. This shows that while the media is an important institution in American society, it is also harmful because men who wear wigs should not be trusted. This post will give you some tips in spotting fake news, but first:  What is fake news? Fake news   is defined as "anything that you don't like." But that definition can be controversial. If there is something that you don't like, but is not technically "news," can you really call it "fake news?" For instance, I don't like when my fa...

It seems like America is more divided than ever, and the recent reports about a beehive falling to the ground and splitting open doesn't help. The news loves to sensationalize stories like this, but will rarely give us both sides of the story. You hear so much about how being stung dozens of times is a bad thing, but you rarely, if ever, hear the other perspective. The media always gives a mouthpiece to those saying "Run away!" and "Jump in the pond to get away from them," but why won't the media let those saying "Those aren't the stinging kind," and "Actually, getting stung by bees is good for you" to speak? I don't want to just tell you about this bias, I want you to see it for yourself. Google "swarm of bees," and I can guarantee that 9 out of 10 headlines will be skewed against the dangerous insects. I'm all for freedom of the press, but it is also the press's responsibility to give the American public ...

Millennials get a lot of criticism from older generations like Baby Boomers and ancient spirits trapped in the old tree outside my dentist's office. Some of it is fair, but most of it, in my experience, is unfair. I think any generation has members who complain too much, are entitled, or think the world revolves around them, so w hen I hear people criticizing Millennials as "selfish" or "lazy" or "crying too loudly in the Taco Bell drive thru," I can't help but roll my eyes. In all honesty, most Millennials I know are  selfless, determined, and only cry in the drive thru at Wendy's. Many  of us are struggling to survive in an economic climate that doesn't give us the jobs we went to school for, so we have made a lot of sacrifices in order to make ends meet. For instance, I have recently begun living life as a house cat in order to stay with a couple rent-free. It took a lot of humility for me to agree to live this way. I had been s...

Here are some of the good things that happened this year... what got number 1?? 10.)  Being on Ellen: Ellen was my housemate's hamster. I accidentally sat on her because I did not know she had gotten out of her cage and was hiding under our couch cushions. I have never killed anything that had a name, and it was a thrilling experience. I don't think I will kill anything with a name again, but I am glad I now know what it feels like to kill a hamster. 9.)  Getting a new job: I finally got a new, real job, at a company / organization in which I use my skills to provide a service / sell a product in a legitimate way. I am paying taxes at fair rate based on my income bracket. If anyone asks, I have a normal job and I am making money legally and ethically! 8.)  Finally figuring out that writing about popular topics can increase web traffic to my blog: Game Boy. The Secret Life of Pets Blue-Ray. iPhone 7. Hamilton soundtrack. Pokémon ...

I'll do my best! Haha 1. What was the last thing you put in your mouth? Glass 2. Where was your profile picture taken?  In an alternate reality where World War II never happened but also GoGurt was never invented 3. Do you play Pokemon Go?  Not anymore. I stopped playing because my Pokémons became self aware and started showing me their private parts 4. Name someone who made you laugh today? Lee Harvey Oswald 5. How late did you stay up last night?  Until blood began spilling from the moon 6. If you could move somewhere else, where would it be? On top of a yak 7. Ever been kissed under fireworks?  Only by shadows 8. Who is your most observant friend? Spuzzy Carmichael, concierge at the Seduct Inn. He sees it all! 9.Do you believe ex's can be friends? All my exes live in another realm where they do not have the capability of connecting to humans or understanding the concept of "friendship" 10. How do you feel ...