How to Spot "Fake News"

We've been hearing a lot about fake news in the media lately. I certainly understand the importance of a free press, for George Washington himself is known for saying that "Newspapers are very very very good. If newspapers were a lady, Martha would have to watch out!" While most people agree with this famous quote, George "America's Daddy" Washington also wore a weird-ass wig, so it's hard to know what to think of the free press. This shows that while the media is an important institution in American society, it is also harmful because men who wear wigs should not be trusted.

This post will give you some tips in spotting fake news, but first: What is fake news?

Fake news is defined as "anything that you don't like." But that definition can be controversial. If there is something that you don't like, but is not technically "news," can you really call it "fake news?" For instance, I don't like when my family members throw hard-boiled eggs at me, and I will often yell "FAKE NEWS" at them as it is happening. This is usually not an effective approach, and while most experts agree that it is "mean" and "bad," there is not a consensus as to whether or not throwing hard-boiled eggs is journalism, or even a valid media institution. 

So now that we have a rough definition, here's how you can tell if something is fake news: 

1.) If an image's source is "a raccoon trying to eat an Etch A Sketch"

There are so many images going around online that it's difficult to tell what's photoshopped and what's a real photo. Many of these images are not real, but generated by a hungry raccoon attempting to consume a discarded child's toy. It's not always initially clear when looking at an image, but often times there's text on that photo that lets you know where it comes from. For instance, take a look at this photo of a stern looking man holding a smiling man-baby.

Looks normal, right? It's hard to tell at first glance if it's real or not, so let's take a closer look at that text on the bottom. 

That text right there tells you everything you need to know. In this case, the image is authentic, because it says a "squirrel" trying to eat an Etch A Sketch, not a raccoon. 

2.) If you yell loudly enough that it is fake

This one seems straight forward, but how "loud" is "enough?"

I like to answer the question this way: if you can hear the question "how 'loud' is 'enough?'" then you are not yelling loudly enough.

Try this out, if someone tells you that vaccines save lives, and you yell "FAKE NEWS" at the top of your lungs, can you hear them explain to you that the reason no one dies of polio anymore is because of vaccines? If you just read that sentence, you weren't screaming loudly enough! This time, try screaming so loud that your vision blurs, that way you won't have to read that vaccines don't cause autism.

3.) If an article contains quotes from any mythological creatures

Most articles you'll read will have quotes, but a lot of people that read these articles will skip over the sources of those quotes. That's why you've got to use your fake-news-spotting-eagle-eye to find if any mythological creatures are being inserted into the article to make it seem more credible. 

Take a look at this passage and see if anything seems wrong:

          A garden gnome eating at a Quiznos told reporters, "Bernie Sanders has eleven toes. I know because I snuck into his shoes and counted them."

 There's something off about that source, isn't there? No one eats at Quiznos. This individual was clearly made up by the author of this article to make Bernie Sanders seem cooler than he actually is. 

4.) If the article's homepage is just a picture of a butt

One of my favorite college professors used to say, "If a butt looks too good to be true, it probably is." Keep that in mind when looking for the authenticity of a news site. 

It might take some digging, but most media companies have an "About us" section that should tell you about that company's validity. Even then, sometimes it's hard to tell whether an image is a butt or actually just a person that looks like a butt. 

Take a look at this picture of Fox News founder Roger Ailes:

At first glance it may seem like he is just a man whose face looks like a butt. But Roger Ailes was born with an extra rectum instead of a soul, therefore making every word that comes out of his mouth literal feces. By definition, then, Roger Ailes's face can legally and medically be classified as a butt.

But how do I know that this blog post isn't fake news?

Who cares. Look at that picture of Roger Ailes again. His face is literally a butt.