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Three tips on getting your beach body that don't involve going to war with Iran

Summer is almost here, which means Americans will be heading to the beach, pool, and possibly the Middle East to start another genocidal war that will only further destabilize the region. Here are some tips that make sure you look good while also ensuring you don't kill hundreds of thousands of people.
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1.) Stick to your diplomatic relationship and your workout routine.

Having a set plan can go a loooong way in ensuring you get to the gym every week. Once you establish something that works, though, don't give up just because you get busy or you want to tarnish your predecessor's legacy.

Abs don't show up in one week.

Don't stop your workout just because your tummy doesn't get flat right away, or because of unfounded claims that the 2015 peace deal deal isn't working.

As Dory from Finding Nemo famously says:

2.) Maintain a high-protein breakfast and avoid appointing John Bolton as your National Security Advisor.

Any breakfast that includes a warmonger is a no-go! Eating eggs or avocados when you wake up in the morning is a great way to avoid someone who has been clamoring for war since before his mustache developed a consciousness of its own.

Breakfast do's:
  • Egg
  • Avocado
  • Canadian bacon
Breakfast don't's:
  • Waffles
  • Lying about who was behind attacks on a Japanese oil tanker

3.) Set goals: the fewer deaths, the better!

With all this talk about your beach body, let's not forget the Persian beaches that will covered in bodies if you start a war with Iran.

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Start small - maybe stick to losing a few pounds a week, or only sending one troop to the Middle East. Once you get in a good rhythm, move on to losing a few more pounds, or even sending in zero troops.

Remember, there is no one way to look during the summer. As long as you feel comfortable, you're healthy, and you're not going to war just so you can get reelected, your body is is the correct beach body!

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