Skip to main content

Three tips on getting your beach body that don't involve going to war with Iran

Summer is almost here, which means Americans will be heading to the beach, pool, and possibly the Middle East to start another genocidal war that will only further destabilize the region. Here are some tips that make sure you look good while also ensuring you don't kill hundreds of thousands of people.
Download Beautiful Morning on a Beach in Portugal Free Stock Photo

1.) Stick to your diplomatic relationship and your workout routine.

Having a set plan can go a loooong way in ensuring you get to the gym every week. Once you establish something that works, though, don't give up just because you get busy or you want to tarnish your predecessor's legacy.

Abs don't show up in one week.

Don't stop your workout just because your tummy doesn't get flat right away, or because of unfounded claims that the 2015 peace deal deal isn't working.

As Dory from Finding Nemo famously says:

2.) Maintain a high-protein breakfast and avoid appointing John Bolton as your National Security Advisor.

Any breakfast that includes a warmonger is a no-go! Eating eggs or avocados when you wake up in the morning is a great way to avoid someone who has been clamoring for war since before his mustache developed a consciousness of its own.

Breakfast do's:
  • Egg
  • Avocado
  • Canadian bacon
Breakfast don't's:
  • Waffles
  • Lying about who was behind attacks on a Japanese oil tanker

3.) Set goals: the fewer deaths, the better!

With all this talk about your beach body, let's not forget the Persian beaches that will covered in bodies if you start a war with Iran.

Download Standing in Sand FREE Stock Photo

Start small - maybe stick to losing a few pounds a week, or only sending one troop to the Middle East. Once you get in a good rhythm, move on to losing a few more pounds, or even sending in zero troops.

Remember, there is no one way to look during the summer. As long as you feel comfortable, you're healthy, and you're not going to war just so you can get reelected, your body is is the correct beach body!

Comments

Post a Comment

Read These If You Have Nothing Better to Do

Something you never want to hear from your significant other

It started out like a regular date night. Both of us had survived tough weeks at work, and we relished the chance to get away from it all. After paying for our meal, we weren't yet ready to head in, so we decided to go for a walk by the river. It was warm, but the breeze off the water soothed us. My partner and I held hands. We chitchatted. I don't remember what we talked about, but then he turned to me and told me something I will never forget. My first reaction after hearing these words was shock. I never in my life imagined I would hear something like that directed at me, especially from someone I cared about so deeply. Did he really just say that? I wondered. Even though I had heard him clearly, my only response was, "What?" He repeated. Again, every word entered my ear and soured all happy memories I had of my partner. Every warm feeling that I felt towards him was now ice cold, and it was just as shocking to hear the second time: A roller skating ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Update

I don't post about myself on here very often, but it's important that I share a significant update in my life. I'm not sharing this so you feel sorry for me,  or look up to me, or even feel proud of me. I'm sharing this so others can hear my story, so that others going through something similar can know that they're not alone. I don't intend for this to be shocking, so I'm just going to say it now: I ate an entire ham by myself last Thursday. Simply typing those words out sent a wave of mixed emotions over me. On one hand, I'm relieved to get this off my chest. It feels freeing to share such a meaningful part of my life. On the other hand, it's terrifying, because now that everyone reading this knows I ate an entire ham by myself last Thursday I face the risk of experiencing judgment, strange looks, or whispers behind my back. Please know, however, that I am still me. I am still your family member, friend, work acquaintance, or whatever it is tha...
1 comment
Read more

Web-site Musings' Official 2020 Endorsement

I have covered politics before, in both opinion and factual pieces, but have always refrained from making endorsements because no one paid me to. This year is different, however, with crises that seem to increase more and more by the day. As someone who cares about the future of this country and the world, I am making this endorsement in the hopes that we make it to 2021 looking stylish, while also staying practical. For this reason, I am proud to endorse FLEXI Extra Sturdy Sunglasses With Color Lenses - Sleek Design, Men & Women SJ9083! This election is more important than ever, as the current occupant of the White House has refused to tackle some of our most pressing issues, such as giving your eyes the UV protection they need as you go about your daily routine. Scientists predict that all of y our friends will have the coolest shades while you are stuck looking boring and dull, and yet, the President has do ne nothing about this crisis. As a candidate, FLEXI Extra Sturd...
Post a Comment
Read more

CULTURE MUSINGS: How is the new Aladdin different from the original?

This Memorial Day weekend, Disney released Aladdin, the live-action version of one of its most popular movies based on the life of U.S. President Warren G. Harding's youngest son. While the adaption mostly stays true to the original, some eagle-eyed fans might have noticed these changes in Guy Ritchie's remake. The events of the live action film do not end up causing the Hindenburg disaster. It is heavily implied in the 1992  Aladdin  film that the main character inadvertently creates a chain reaction through history that end up resulting in the 1937 explosion of the Hindenburg, starting with a chase scene at the beginning of the film. As Aladdin runs from palace guards, he bumps into a man who looks very similar to Ludwig Durr, the designer of the Hindenburg. John Musker and Ron Clements, the directors of the animated film, confirmed in several interviews that the man is indeed the airship designer's ancestor, and that Aladdin's collision with him has dire conse...
Post a Comment
Read more