The eclipse is almost upon us, and there's a lot that people don't know, like "Who really killed JFK?" and "How many mice are living behind the oven?" You submitted questions, here are the answers:
Why does the solar eclipse happen?
A solar eclipse happens because God is angry with us.
Like pissed. Really pissed.
Humans have displeased God, so as punishment, the Moon will pass between the Earth and the Sun. This is a punishment, obviously, because big shadows are bad and scary.
There's no way to know why exactly why God is mad, as biblical scholars are split. Most, however, believe he is pissed off because of either gay people or The Emoji Movie.
Like pissed. Really pissed.
Humans have displeased God, so as punishment, the Moon will pass between the Earth and the Sun. This is a punishment, obviously, because big shadows are bad and scary.
There's no way to know why exactly why God is mad, as biblical scholars are split. Most, however, believe he is pissed off because of either gay people or The Emoji Movie.
Should I look directly at the solar eclipse?
Do whatever you want, I'm not your dad.
Unless...
What if I am your dad? If I am, then you SHOULD look at the solar eclipse. I want you to go blind. I don't want you to have to look upon the face of the father that abandoned you, even if it was unintentional.
I know that's selfish of me, but the shame is just overbearing. I don't want you to be able to see me watching you from afar while you're playing in the park with your friends. If you don't see me then I won't have to approach you and apologize for not being there to teach you how to play catch or make crepes.
Unless...
What if I am your dad? If I am, then you SHOULD look at the solar eclipse. I want you to go blind. I don't want you to have to look upon the face of the father that abandoned you, even if it was unintentional.
I know that's selfish of me, but the shame is just overbearing. I don't want you to be able to see me watching you from afar while you're playing in the park with your friends. If you don't see me then I won't have to approach you and apologize for not being there to teach you how to play catch or make crepes.
What can I do to see the eclipse if my employer won't let me leave work to see it?
If your employer won't let you see the eclipse, challenge them to a duel. If your job has a "no dueling" policy, tell them that your religion requires that you put on dumbass glasses and look up at the sky.
To do this, you'll have to make sure your religion seems legitimate. You'll need some sort of Bible, so get a blank notebook and write "Holy Book of Putting on Dumbass Glasses and Looking Up at the Sky." You'll also have to establish a website and/or Facebook page to make it look like your religion is actually established. Do this by creating events such as "Vacation Holy Book of Putting on Dumbass Glasses and Looking Up at the Sky School" and "Movie Night: Putting on Dumbass Glasses and Looking Up at the Sky's Not Dead." Lastly, create between one and one thousand deities that you can pretend to show devotion to. Some deity name ideas are Dumbassio Glassesion, Looking Up at the Sky Fella, and Phil. If you make it believable, your employer will be forced to allow you to put on dumbass glasses and look up at the sky.
Or you could just watch the eclipse through the window.
To do this, you'll have to make sure your religion seems legitimate. You'll need some sort of Bible, so get a blank notebook and write "Holy Book of Putting on Dumbass Glasses and Looking Up at the Sky." You'll also have to establish a website and/or Facebook page to make it look like your religion is actually established. Do this by creating events such as "Vacation Holy Book of Putting on Dumbass Glasses and Looking Up at the Sky School" and "Movie Night: Putting on Dumbass Glasses and Looking Up at the Sky's Not Dead." Lastly, create between one and one thousand deities that you can pretend to show devotion to. Some deity name ideas are Dumbassio Glassesion, Looking Up at the Sky Fella, and Phil. If you make it believable, your employer will be forced to allow you to put on dumbass glasses and look up at the sky.
Or you could just watch the eclipse through the window.
Who would win in a fight, the Sun or the Moon?
The Moon would win in a game of chess because the Sun doesn't have hands.
The Sun would win in a dance off, but only if they were able to pick the songs.
Neither would win in a sailboat race across the Pacific Ocean, because they would both end up working together and realizing that their friendship is what really matters, and not their silly grade-school rivalry.
The Sun would win in a dance off, but only if they were able to pick the songs.
Neither would win in a sailboat race across the Pacific Ocean, because they would both end up working together and realizing that their friendship is what really matters, and not their silly grade-school rivalry.
How long can we expect the organizers of the eclipse to black out the Sun? Do the counter protesters have a permit?
The protest will last until the Earth gives Buzz Aldrin back to the Moon.
The counter protesters do have a permit, but they have been confined to a small section of the Earth called the Western Hemisphere.
The counter protesters do have a permit, but they have been confined to a small section of the Earth called the Western Hemisphere.
Is this the liberal media trying to erase our memory?
The mainstream media don't want me to tell you this, but because if you found out with a spatula, or wearing a tutu
a mysterious sea captain from with a rare condition that makes him sing the song "Yankee Doodle" whenever the truth.
a mysterious sea captain from with a rare condition that makes him sing the song "Yankee Doodle" whenever the truth.
Comments
Post a Comment