Millennials get a lot of criticism from older generations like Baby Boomers and ancient spirits trapped in the old tree outside my dentist's office. Some of it is fair, but most of it, in my experience, is unfair. I think any generation has members who complain too much, are entitled, or think the world revolves around them, so when I hear people criticizing Millennials as "selfish" or "lazy" or "crying too loudly in the Taco Bell drive thru," I can't help but roll my eyes. In all honesty, most Millennials I know are selfless, determined, and only cry in the drive thru at Wendy's. Many of us are struggling to survive in an economic climate that doesn't give us the jobs we went to school for, so we have made a lot of sacrifices in order to make ends meet. For instance, I have recently begun living life as a house cat in order to stay with a couple rent-free.
It took a lot of humility for me to agree to live this way. I had been searching Craigslist for months, but was simply unable to find affordable housing that was not infested with cockroaches or underneath author Dan Brown's deck. And then one day I saw the ad: "Second roommate needed in 2 bedroom, 1 1/2 bath apartment." I checked out the place, but left soon after I realized that one of the bathrooms literally had half of a tub. On the way home, however, I saw a flyer for a missing cat. It had black fur (same color as my hair) and green eyes (same as mine), and I realized I was that missing cat - or at least I could be! I called the phone number on the flyer and - after some intense meowing and uncontrollable sobbing - convinced the owners to take me. I moved in a few weeks later, and it was a win-win! My roommates got back a pet, and I got to live somewhere rent free. You can't get more affordable than that!
I was surprised at how quickly I transitioned into the role! I'm used to pooping into very large containers of gravel, so I was worried that I wouldn't like using a litter box at first, but that has honestly been one of the easiest parts! Eating out of a dish on the floor has also come naturally to me because it feels just like Thanksgiving, and chasing light from a laser pointer along the floor feels normal, as it reminds me of the futility of pursuing fulfillment in a capitalist society. One difficulty I've faced, however, has been the hairballs. I'm used to consuming other people's hair, but it feels so strange coughing up my own. I've almost gotten used to it... but I don't think my roommates have!
The process of changing my lifestyle has been challenging, partly because I keep knocking over my roommates' bookshelf, but mostly because I am slowly losing touch with my humanity. The other day my phone rang, but instead of answering it, I used my paw hand to slowly knock it off the table. And then I just looked down at it. I knew exactly what I had done, but just stared. Similarly, while watching Will and Grace on TBS, I am unable to laugh at Karen's antics. Instead, I emit a low hum from deep within my throat, as my larynx vibrates in pleasure. And I haven't smiled in weeks. I don't know if I'll ever smile again. But that's part of being a Millennial, am I right?!
Changing up my living situation has made things a lot simpler, which is surprisingly a relief. I think part of it has to do with the fact that language is starting to lose its meaning! I have spent several days writing this post, for each sentence takes me up to two hours to write. I can barely remember the words I want to say, with my brain's primary focus being on the desire to consume fish or scratch at cloth. Last week my owner roommate turned on the vacuum and all I remember is screaming at her. The next thing I know, I'm crouched on top of the kitchen cupboards, naked and hissing at my her as she tries to coax me down. Before moving in I would have felt embarrassed over something like that. But all I felt in that moment was anger and betrayal because she had turned on that wretched machine while I was trying to sleep. It feels great to be so much more in touch with my emotions!
I no longer enjoy human company, unless I'm being scratched. I spend a majority of my time in the sunbeams that slowly make their way across the living room floor. The only news events I care about are the birds that land in the tree outside the window. I hate dogs. I love string, but what Millennial doesn't?! I would encourage anyone who's in a similar housing situation as me to consider living out the rest of their life as a pet. It may not be the most luxurious lifestyle, but after a few weeks, the part of your brain that cares about that sort of thing will be focused on stepping on people while they're trying to sleep!
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