Let me tell you something that might shock you: being omnipotent does not have to break the bank. In fact, having control over everything in existence can be both affordable and fun. Sure, it's possible to find cheap universes for sale, but I have found that store-bought are always collapsing in on
themselves after only a few eons, and the ones I’ve ordered online always come
bruised and with black holes. If you’re as big a fan of DIY projects as I am, this
post will show you just a few simple steps to command your own homemade,
infinite cosmos!
Materials needed:
- Cosmic™ Space
- A jar of time
- 2 AA or AAA batteries*
- Dimensions (anywhere between 3 and 10)
- Lemon (for scent)
- Free will*
- 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 atoms (organic is preferable)
- 10 screws
- 1 reality
*optional
As is true with any DIY project, you’ll want to start out
with a big enough surface when making your universe. I personally prefer a
reasonably sized void, but any infinite-foot by infinite-foot table should do
the trick. Just make sure you discuss your endeavors with housemates first, as
a universe can take up a lot of room, and emit massive amounts of radiation
that obliterate all within its path.
I highly recommend going for the good-quality, Cosmic™ Space
when mixing your continuum. Cheap spaces, such Empty™ or Infinite™,
have a weird gelatinous texture, and sometimes bend unpredictably. Quality
time, on the other hand, it not that necessary. I just used the time I found in
my medicine cabinet (this stuff is great for injuries, by the way – it heals
all wounds), and it worked great! In terms of your universe, it is of the
essence, so I recommend you use a funnel when pouring the time; it would be a
waste if you lost track of or ran out of any. Mix the space and time together in
a large bowl until it takes the form of a consistent, imperceptible continuum.
For extra reality, feel free to sprinkle in a few dimensions. And just like
that, you’ve got the fabric of your universe!
Do you know why atoms are important? Because they matter (pun
intended)! Create this matter by screwing all the protons, neutrons, and
electrons together. This task can become somewhat tedious, but it’s great to do
while binge-watching all 644 quintillion seasons of your favorite TV show! I
recommend using a drill (assuming you have a bit that’s small enough), but a
regular, infinitesimally small screwdriver will work just as well. Once put
together, these atoms can then be shaped into anything, from elements, to
stars, to rubber duckies. Just make sure you don’t split any! Nuclear
explosions are a mess to clean up.
The size of your initial Bang depends on how much energy you
produce – just make sure you’re not breaking any thermodynamic laws! Two AAA
batteries are all you need if you prefer a Little Bang, while two AA batteries
will be enough for a Medium one. For a Big or Large Bang you’ll need to condense
all of existence to a size even smaller than an atom, and then release it in a
massive explosion that unleashes all the energy needed to give light to a star,
hook a moon to its planet, or open a jar of pickles. I’d wear some rubber
gloves during this process because it can sometimes irritate your skin!
Make sure you keep your universe sealed, or life can start to
grow (yuck). While most species won’t necessarily ruin your project, allowing intelligent
life to grow unchecked could begin to destroy entire planets.With the formation
of conscious beings it’s also possible to find yourself overloaded with
irritating prayers, giving you very little time for tasks you truly want to
focus on, such as forming new constellations, or creating new elements.
Fortunately, you don’t need any expensive sprays or noxious chemicals to get
rid of life that has overtaken a section of your solar system. Just target the
infected area with a meteor or supernova, and your problems should
be extinct in no time!
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