Web-site musings

It’s that time of year again! The air gets colder... The coats get bigger... And all the songs on the radio contain the sound of sleigh bells!! While I’m a fan of all the above, and presents, and gingerbread flavored EVERYTHING, I often find myself getting wrapped up (pun intended) in all the stress and shallowness of Christmas. I sometimes forget what this beautiful, magical holiday is all about: hunting down and taking revenge on the mall Santa who murdered your father. Remember that the next time you’re at the mall looking for the best deals on Xboxes or towels. Those are just things. They won’t make you happy . Because no BOGO is as important as finding the man dressed in red, whose face you told yourself you’d never forget. Why hunt for a bargain, when you could hunt the grey-eyed man who the cops were never able to track down? It’s easy for us to forget the true meaning of Christmas. We’re sometimes so focused on spending time with our loved ones that we forget ...

In wake of recent events, my thoughts and prayers are with the victims who went missing after our group split up inside the abandoned house to find any valuable heirlooms that had been left behind after the late homeowner died under mysterious circumstances. This tragedy is unspeakable, because many of our mouths have been sealed shut by some otherworldly substance, and I send my warmest condolences to whichever dimension our friends’ souls are tethered to. Right now is a time for consoling the survivors, and mourning the loss of our beloved companion, who told us that she didn't believe in ghosts, right before a phantom emerged from a dusty hallway mirror and pulled her into it. We will never forget the terrified look in her eyes as she pounded her fists on the glass that she was trapped behind. My thoughts and prayers are also with the couple who we heard screaming in what we believe was the very bedroom where the dead body of a priest was found, his lifeless hands clutchin...

It may very well be Stephen King's most famous book, as it was one of the first stories to introduce the concept of the "creepy meatball." The novel's legacy has certainly lingered, as generations have grown up terrified of choking on Pennywise, the demon-possessed meatball at the center of the horror phenomenon. With social media being plagued with fear ever since dozens of meatball sightings went viral in 2016, the film could not have debuted at a more perfect time. Though reports of people slipping on these meatballs were largely debunked, the internet has not gotten over its fear that these lumps of ground beef has created. It's not a spoiler to say that the film opens on a rainy day, as it is a scene played over and over again in trailers. Despite the fact that I have watched the scene from the original several times, I was still terrified when the little boy looked into the storm drain to see a plate of meatballs lurking in the shadows. I won't go ...

The eclipse is almost upon us, and there's a lot that people don't know, like "Who really killed JFK?" and "How many mice are living behind the oven?" You submitted questions, here are the answers: Why does the solar eclipse happen? A solar eclipse happens because God is angry with us. Like pissed. Really pissed. Humans have displeased God, so as punishment, the Moon will pass between the Earth and the Sun. This is a punishment, obviously, because big shadows are bad and scary.  There's no way to know why exactly why God is mad, as biblical scholars are split. Most, however, believe he is pissed off because of either gay people or The Emoji Movie . Should I look directly at the solar eclipse? Do whatever you want, I'm not your dad. Unless... What if I am your dad? If I am, then you SHOULD look at the solar eclipse. I want you to go blind. I don't want you to have to look upon the face of the father that abandoned you, ...

Dear Mr. Trump, I may not agree with your political positions, but I will respect the fact that you are the Master of the Lamp. I may have not voted for you, and even if others around me don't treat you like you're the president, I still owe you one last wish. You are a polarizing figure, and though you make a lot of people angry, I know that I must remain civil. This is because the curse that the old woman cast upon me hundreds of years ago forces me to remain loyal to the one human that commands me. I may not like this system, but I live in America, and must recognize the Electoral College, and the fact that over 60 years ago you happened to utter the correct incantation while holding the very relic I reside in. I did not vote for you, as I am physically incapable of performing any action not willed upon by the Master, but I accept that others did vote for you. I accept that you became president not because of Russian interference in the election, but because for yo...

We've been hearing a lot about fake news in the media lately. I certainly understand the importance of a free press, for George Washington himself is known for saying that "Newspapers are very very very good. If newspapers were a lady, Martha would have to watch out!" While most people agree with this famous quote, George "America's Daddy" Washington also wore a weird-ass wig, so it's hard to know what to think of the free press. This shows that while the media is an important institution in American society, it is also harmful because men who wear wigs should not be trusted. This post will give you some tips in spotting fake news, but first:  What is fake news? Fake news   is defined as "anything that you don't like." But that definition can be controversial. If there is something that you don't like, but is not technically "news," can you really call it "fake news?" For instance, I don't like when my fa...

It seems like America is more divided than ever, and the recent reports about a beehive falling to the ground and splitting open doesn't help. The news loves to sensationalize stories like this, but will rarely give us both sides of the story. You hear so much about how being stung dozens of times is a bad thing, but you rarely, if ever, hear the other perspective. The media always gives a mouthpiece to those saying "Run away!" and "Jump in the pond to get away from them," but why won't the media let those saying "Those aren't the stinging kind," and "Actually, getting stung by bees is good for you" to speak? I don't want to just tell you about this bias, I want you to see it for yourself. Google "swarm of bees," and I can guarantee that 9 out of 10 headlines will be skewed against the dangerous insects. I'm all for freedom of the press, but it is also the press's responsibility to give the American public ...

Millennials get a lot of criticism from older generations like Baby Boomers and ancient spirits trapped in the old tree outside my dentist's office. Some of it is fair, but most of it, in my experience, is unfair. I think any generation has members who complain too much, are entitled, or think the world revolves around them, so w hen I hear people criticizing Millennials as "selfish" or "lazy" or "crying too loudly in the Taco Bell drive thru," I can't help but roll my eyes. In all honesty, most Millennials I know are  selfless, determined, and only cry in the drive thru at Wendy's. Many  of us are struggling to survive in an economic climate that doesn't give us the jobs we went to school for, so we have made a lot of sacrifices in order to make ends meet. For instance, I have recently begun living life as a house cat in order to stay with a couple rent-free. It took a lot of humility for me to agree to live this way. I had been s...