It’s that time of year again!
The air gets colder...
The coats get bigger...
And all the songs on the radio contain the sound of sleigh bells!!
While I’m a fan of all the above, and presents, and gingerbread flavored EVERYTHING, I often find myself getting wrapped up (pun intended) in all the stress and shallowness of Christmas. I sometimes forget what this beautiful, magical holiday is all about: hunting down and taking revenge on the mall Santa who murdered your father.
Remember that the next time you’re at the mall looking for the best deals on Xboxes or towels. Those are just things. They won’t make you happy. Because no BOGO is as important as finding the man dressed in red, whose face you told yourself you’d never forget.
Why hunt for a bargain, when you could hunt the grey-eyed man who the cops were never able to track down?
It’s easy for us to forget the true meaning of Christmas. We’re sometimes so focused on spending time with our loved ones that we forget to go into the attic to throw darts at a picture of the face that we drew entirely from memory. But we can easily be reminded of what the season means to us when we open the box labeled “Christmas decorations,” and pull out the dozens of newspaper clippings detailing the unsolved murder that we hid at the bottom.
I’m not saying you should completely forget about putting Christmas tree stamps on envelopes, and rushing to the post office to mail all your packages... because that’s what Christmas is all about! Just remember, it’s only meaningful if those envelopes contain notes with the words I KNOW WHAT YOU DID, and if the packages are filled with dead rodents, as a reminder that that in his last seconds on Earth, your father was gunned down like an animal.
The true meaning of Christmas can’t be found under a tree, because the roots make it too hard to bury a six-foot-deep hole. Plus, death is far too merciful for the mall Santa who pulled the trigger to ensure that December 25th would never be the same again for your family. That’s why I like to wear a candy cane pin on my sweater every winter - as a symbol for my never-ending journey to seek revenge!
The best part of Christmas is seeing that look on someone’s face in the morning when they come downstairs and realize that even though they may have escaped the law, they won’t be getting away with the crime they committed 15 years ago. Family coming together and suddenly realizing that the man they thought they knew is a criminal - the criminal who took the life of the man who raised you - is what’s important during the holidays. After all, decorating a Christmas tree with pictures of your dead father in order to terrify the man who murdered him is what Christmas is all about!
The air gets colder...
The coats get bigger...
And all the songs on the radio contain the sound of sleigh bells!!
While I’m a fan of all the above, and presents, and gingerbread flavored EVERYTHING, I often find myself getting wrapped up (pun intended) in all the stress and shallowness of Christmas. I sometimes forget what this beautiful, magical holiday is all about: hunting down and taking revenge on the mall Santa who murdered your father.
Remember that the next time you’re at the mall looking for the best deals on Xboxes or towels. Those are just things. They won’t make you happy. Because no BOGO is as important as finding the man dressed in red, whose face you told yourself you’d never forget.
Why hunt for a bargain, when you could hunt the grey-eyed man who the cops were never able to track down?
It’s easy for us to forget the true meaning of Christmas. We’re sometimes so focused on spending time with our loved ones that we forget to go into the attic to throw darts at a picture of the face that we drew entirely from memory. But we can easily be reminded of what the season means to us when we open the box labeled “Christmas decorations,” and pull out the dozens of newspaper clippings detailing the unsolved murder that we hid at the bottom.
I’m not saying you should completely forget about putting Christmas tree stamps on envelopes, and rushing to the post office to mail all your packages... because that’s what Christmas is all about! Just remember, it’s only meaningful if those envelopes contain notes with the words I KNOW WHAT YOU DID, and if the packages are filled with dead rodents, as a reminder that that in his last seconds on Earth, your father was gunned down like an animal.
The true meaning of Christmas can’t be found under a tree, because the roots make it too hard to bury a six-foot-deep hole. Plus, death is far too merciful for the mall Santa who pulled the trigger to ensure that December 25th would never be the same again for your family. That’s why I like to wear a candy cane pin on my sweater every winter - as a symbol for my never-ending journey to seek revenge!
The best part of Christmas is seeing that look on someone’s face in the morning when they come downstairs and realize that even though they may have escaped the law, they won’t be getting away with the crime they committed 15 years ago. Family coming together and suddenly realizing that the man they thought they knew is a criminal - the criminal who took the life of the man who raised you - is what’s important during the holidays. After all, decorating a Christmas tree with pictures of your dead father in order to terrify the man who murdered him is what Christmas is all about!
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