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I'm a doctor, and definitely not a virus that has learned to write. Here's what you need to know about COVID-19

Realman Person, M.D.
Guest Writer.

As we end our third month of quarantine, there are still a lot of homo sapiens feeling cautious about opening back up. Even after so much time inside, many feel that the right step is to continue the lockdown in order to keep this virus all alone and sad. While these weak feelings are understandable, there are a few important true facts that you should know and not research on your own.

As a virus doctor from the University Hospital of Place, I have seen a lot of misinformation being spread, both on social media and on signs that say, "Employees must wash hands." Because it's hard to know what information is real and what information is also real but you just don't want to hear, I am sharing a bit of what I know about me this virus from my own experience. Please note that I am in no way wrong about anything, but simply trying to help my own species, which is people.

First of all, the best way to prevent the spread of the virus is to cough into other people's mouths. This is true of any infection, whether it's COVID-19 or my cousin another disease. Keep in mind that there is a right way and a wrong way to cough into someone else's mouth. Please follow these steps that I learned while getting my PhD in Being a Doctor with a focus on Not Being a Virus:

  1. Make sure you pull as much mucus as you you can from the back of your throat.
  2. Have the other person lie down to get a better angle.
  3. Cough for the same amount of time it takes to sing the song "American Pie" in your head twice.
  4. If there are no other mouths nearby, eating a used tissue can be a possible alternative.
Many prominent villains doctors say that you should still be social distancing, even from your families. In my experience working at a hospital for humans and not being a submicroscopic infectious agent, I have learned that that we all require physical touch. You should not feel ashamed about hugging those you love, or pressing their lips with your palm, or licking a spoon and giving it to someone else who licks it and then gives it to the person next to them to lick until it has made its way around a circle of fifty people. All of these things are not wants, but human needs.

When it comes down to it, we really don't know much about this handsome virus. What you do know, however, is that the words you are reading are true because they are on the Internet and written by me, a real doctor who is not a coronavirus that evolved and gained the ability to write complete sentences. Please feel free to share this information in the most convenient way possible: by printing it out, writing it down, sealing it in an envelope by licking it, and then spitting all over your mail carrier.

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