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The War on Christmas - an excerpt


THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS
by Seth Miller
Scene 23

Dark forest, late at night. There is snow on the ground. A baby reindeer emerges from behind a tree. A single tear falls down its face. It is sad because the liberal media has waged war on Christmas and murdered its family. There is the faint sound of a snowmobile in the distance. The reindeer perks up and listens. As the snowmobile gets closer the reindeer scampers away.

 Close up on Joe Fyter. His face is bruised, beaten, but in his eyes there is determination. He is driving the same snowmobile that Saint Nicholas gave to him just before he was gunned down by politically correct corporate America.

 FLASHBACK to SANTA CLAUS on the floor of the shopping mall, spitting up blood

 SANTA: Save... Christmas...

 JOE: (shaking his head) We can do it together. You and me, we can save Christmas together.

 SANTA: No... it has to be... it has to be you, Joe Fyter...

 JOE: You'll get through this, damn it!

 SANTA: No... my time here... is over...

 JOE: Don't talk like that!

 SANTA: You must find... you must find the Sugar Plum Fairy... she... she...

 JOE: You can tell me who the mysterious Sugar Plum Fairy is when we get you to the hospital. The ambulance is on its way!

 SANTA: You've... met her before... (SANTA reaches out his hand) Merry... Christmas... Merry Christmas to all... (his finger is trembling) ...and to all... (he points to something on the ground next to him) ...a good... (his hand falls to the ground) ...night. (Saint Nicholas dies).

 JOE: Santaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! (he picks up his gun) Merry... (he begins firing) ...damn... (he kills all the bad guys) ...Christmas. (he looks down at the ground) I'm sorry I couldn't protect you Santa. (he looks at where Saint Nick pointed as he died)

 A message written in Santa's blood: "HEY JOE, I FIGURED I'D WRITE YOU THIS MESSAGE BEFORE I DIED IN CASE I DIDN'T GET TO TELL YOU. YOU CAN HAVE MY SNOWMOBILE. ALSO THE SUGAR PLUM FAIRY IS THAT ATTRACTIVE WOMAN YOU MET AT YOUR WIFE AND SON'S FUNERAL"
  
Close up on JOE's face, he is stunned.

FLASHBACK to funeral. JOE is crying, looking at a picture of his wife and son dressed up as the Virgin Mary and Baby Jesus, respectively.

JOE: I just miss them so much. I never should have let them attend the live Nativity after I'd heard about the War on Christmas. I'd heard warnings from people - warnings that liberals want to get rid of all images of Jesus - but I just didn't believe them.

TED: It's not your fault, Joe, you were too busy fighting in The War on Drugs in Mexico.

 JOE: Yes, but little did I know, there was a war being waged in my own backyard: The War on Christmas!

 TED: Joe, I'm your best friend. I get a beer with you every Thursday night after work. I live next door to you. I'm the godfather to your son. I was in your wedding. We were roommates in college. We had almost every class together. People used to think we were gay. But we weren't, we were just super tight. And we still are, and I know that if you could have gotten to the manger scene in time you would have saved them.

 JOE: Thanks Ted, you're right about all of it, even the gay thing. But I just need a minute alone right now to mourn the loss of my attractive wife and son.

 TED: I understand. (He stands) But hold on to this, just in case. (He hands Joe a semi-automatic gun and walks away)

JOE: (Walks up to wife's casket) If I could say "Happy Holidays" to you one more time... I wouldn't. I would say "Merry CHRISTmas." Merry Christmas, Mary. I wish I could make it right.

WOMAN'S VOICE: Maybe you can.

 JOE: I told you, Ted, I want a moment alone- (Turns around, sees ELLE) Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were Ted, my best friend, neighbor, drinking buddy, former college roommate, and godfather to my dead son.

 ELLE: But I can help you.

 JOE: No one can help me now.

 ELLE: That's not true. You can help yourself. And I can help you help yourself help Christmas.

 JOE: Help Christmas?!?! Help Christmas do what?

 ELLE: Help Christmas help the world help itself.

 JOE: (turns around to face casket) You remind me of someone.

 ELLE: Who?

 JOE: (Opens wife's casket. Her face is dead) My wife.

 ELLE: How did she die?

 Close up on JOE's face.

FLASHBACK to live nativity. JOE's wife MARY is dressed as the Virgin Mary. She is trapped under a burning manger.

JOE: (running up) Who did this to you?!??!?!!?!

MARY: (Pointing at a billboard) Them... (She dies)

JOE looks where she was pointing and sees bad guys emerging from behind a billboard. The billboard has a picture of Jesus and Santa shaking hands and the words "MERRY CHRISTMAS" underneath, except angry eyebrows are drawn on Santa and Jesus's faces, and the word "CHRIST" in "CHRISTMAS" is covered with a red "X."

JOE: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! (He picks up a gun and shoots at all the bad guys, then looks down at his dead wife) I'm sorry Honey.

BACK TO funeral.

JOE: How did she die, you ask? Political correctness. (he turns around) I didn't catch your name. Miss...?

ELLE: Elle Toe.

BACK TO shopping mall. JOE reads the message written in blood again.

JOE: Elle Toe? The Sugar Plum Fairy?

BACK TO the forest. JOE is on the snowmobile, deep in thought, when a figure jumps down from a tree. This person is wearing a ski mask. The person punches JOE, he punches back, then pushes the person off the back of the snowmobile, but the person grabs onto his scarf. They both tumble into the snow. The snowmobile goes flying off a huge cliff.

JOE stands up, stumbles a little bit, then pulls the other person out of the snow.

JOE: Who are you? (He pulls off the person's mask, it's ELLE) Miss Elle Toe, or should I say... (He pulls up her sleeve, revealing a tattoo that says "SUGAR PLUM FAIRY") Sugar Plum Fairy!

ELLE: How'd you find me?

 JOE: That's not important. What's important is that you're... (he pulls up her other sleeve, revealing a tattoo that says "SANTA CLAUS'S DAUGHTER") ...Santa Claus's Daughter!

 ELLE: (covering her tattoo) He told you?

 JOE: He didn't have to.

 ELLE: Whatever. None of this matters anyway. He's dead. There's no saving Christmas now.

 JOE: I don't believe you. Because you... (he pulls up her pant leg revealing a tattoo that says "CARE TOO MUCH ABOUT CHRISTMAS TO GIVE UP ON IT NOW") ...care too much about Christmas to give up on it now.

 ELLE: (Covering her tattoo) But what can I do.

 JOE: You can help me help you help me help the world... (he pulls up her other pant leg, revealing a tattoo that says "PUT THE CHRIST BACK IN CHRISTMAS") ...put the CHRIST back in CHRISTmas.
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