Winter, along with centipedes and Kevin Spacey, is one of the scariest seasons of the year. Snow, ice, and cold temperatures can literally send a shiver down your spine. But you don't have to hide inside expensive titanium hibernation tubes like some people do in order to make it to spring. In fact, some people have gotten completely gotten rid of their families' extended sleep chambers by following these tips.
Americans spend a lot of money on their heating bills every year, and by a lot I mean a good amount. Some estimates have found that we spend more on our heating bills then we do on monk costumes, fountains with marble otters that look like they're spitting water out of their mouths, and snow globes combined. What if I told you that there was a way to cut down your heating bill to ZERO dollars. Yes, zero. "But it's cold," you might say, "My fingers and toes are definitely bluer than normal." But to that I say doesn't Apple's logo choice seem strange given the symbolism that a bitten apple has in history and in literature. The fruit from The Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil (often depicted as an apple) is said to have caused the fall of man, and the symbol of a bitten apple evokes that destruction. Why would a company use such an image? To that you might say "icicles are literally hanging from my beard," but I would say "The Fall" starring Gillian Anderson and Jamie Dornan is one of the most compelling dramas on TV. Season 1 of the gripping UK crime series is currently streaming on Netflix, with season 2 arriving on January 16th. If you can't watch it because you are too cold to move the mouse on your computer, you should look outside, the moon is beautiful tonight!
4.) Making snow angels is a great way to have fun in the snow and protect your house from the arrival of Ice Demons.
1. Scrape the snow off your car by altering your body through the splicing of your genes with various animals.
Scraping ice off your car in the morning before you go to work can really be a pain. It can be incredibly inconvenient for a human being born without a proper fur covering or talon-like appendages. I mean, if you have gloves on its not so bad, that's kind of like fur, and ice scrapers do a pretty good job I guess, but sometimes you forget those things. You wouldn't forget a giant tusk if it was surgically implanted to your face, though, or a third arm covered in polar bear fur that prodruded from the center of your chest. Unfortunately, most insurance carriers won't cover a visit to a disgraced zoo veterinarian living in a trailer behind the abandoned movie theater (thanks John Boehner), but if you bring a vat of mammal or reptile plasma some doctors will attach a walrus flipper onto your shoulder for free! Make sure you're committed to having another species' body part - because once it's there that animal's instincts might kick in and cause you to shatter your windshield in feral rage - but I assure you, you won't miss digging through your trunk for that ice scraper you got at CVS four years ago.
2.) Melt the ice on your walkway using the tears of your loved ones.
Gandhi was right to protest salt during the Great Indian Salt Protest: it's heavy, expensive, and stupid. Bruce Bennett of Spectrum is not a fan of salt either, saying, "Jolie plays a killing machine as well as can be expected, but the chill factor here makes for a joyless, as well as preposterous, journey zapped of any joie de vivre." But what else can you use to melt that ice? What if I told you your loved ones had salt stored inside their tear ducts this whole time? I'm sure you've noticed your Captain Crunch tastes salty after you spend the morning crying at your kitchen table; that's because there's salt in our tears! All you need to do to access this salt are simple acts of cruelty that won't cause you to break your back or your bank account. Next time your front walkway freezes over, ask one of your kids to fetch the newspaper, and while they're out there lock them outside! Most kids under seven should start crying within a minute or two, but if they're older or more emotionally stable you could try telling them some hard truths like "Santa Claus has been dead for hundreds of years," or "you will never live up to our expectations because you have no natural leadership skills, which cannot be taught." With any luck, there will be enough tears in your kids' faces to take the slipperiness off that sidewalk. Now you won't have to worry about your kids slipping on their way to the bus stop.
3.) Save money on your heating bill by changing the subject whenever someone complains about how cold they are.
Americans spend a lot of money on their heating bills every year, and by a lot I mean a good amount. Some estimates have found that we spend more on our heating bills then we do on monk costumes, fountains with marble otters that look like they're spitting water out of their mouths, and snow globes combined. What if I told you that there was a way to cut down your heating bill to ZERO dollars. Yes, zero. "But it's cold," you might say, "My fingers and toes are definitely bluer than normal." But to that I say doesn't Apple's logo choice seem strange given the symbolism that a bitten apple has in history and in literature. The fruit from The Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil (often depicted as an apple) is said to have caused the fall of man, and the symbol of a bitten apple evokes that destruction. Why would a company use such an image? To that you might say "icicles are literally hanging from my beard," but I would say "The Fall" starring Gillian Anderson and Jamie Dornan is one of the most compelling dramas on TV. Season 1 of the gripping UK crime series is currently streaming on Netflix, with season 2 arriving on January 16th. If you can't watch it because you are too cold to move the mouse on your computer, you should look outside, the moon is beautiful tonight!
If you ask any kid in school, they'll tell you that snow brings two things: snow days and Ice Demons hungry for young souls. Battling these creatures of the deep can be a pain (especially if you don't have any Nether Swords handy), but it's easy to create your very own legion of winged soldiers that are willing to die protecting you and your family. To make the best snow angels make sure you're nice and bundled up, because the more skin you show the more likely you are to be marked by an Ice Demon in search of victims. When you lie on the ground swing your arms and legs as much as you can, because angels with the biggest wings are the best fighters. Once you think your snow angel is complete, don't forget to give it a halo, because what's an angel without a halo? The answer is nothing. Angels gain their power from those golden rings, so without one an angel is just a normal person with wings. Once you have formed a ring of heavenly warriors around your house you can admire your work from your deck or porch, but don't stare for too long! The flashes of light that occur when the angels take their corporeal form can blind you.
Comments
Post a Comment