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Stop Kidding Around.... A Guide to "Adulting"

 It's a trend that is sweeping the nation, yet no one seems to enjoy it... "adulting" has been seen on screen in movies, films, and cinema pictures for as long as we can remember. Famous adults such as Tyler Perry, Oprah's mom, and JonBenet Ramsey have grabbed the nation's attention, but has "adulting" really ever been talked about? Read below to find out how to make yourself (at least appear) a little more grown up.


1.) Dating
Now that you're an adult, there's a lot of pressure to find someone you can spend the rest of your life with. It's not like the movies though - you can't just latch onto a handsome space-traveler's face and inject him with your spawn like in the movie Sleepless in Seattle. Trust me, I wish it were that easy! A major part of adulting is realizing that you're not going to turn the corner and find "the one" who will mate with you, decapitate you, and devour your head. It takes time, patience, and a lot (yes, A LOT) of seductive dancing - by outstretching all six of your legs and thrusting your antennae - to find that special someone. It's also helpful to realize that meeting your soulmate in person isn't the only way to go; it's socially acceptable these days for couples to meet online, or to decapitate yourself instead of waiting your whole lifetime to find a mate to do it for you.

2.) Doing Laundry
This might come as a shock to you, but laundry does not just jump from your hamper, to the washer, and back into your drawers by magic: it is actually done using a complex scientific process perfected by millions of years of evolution. You probably got used to your mom or dad helping you with your laundry while you were growing up, but now it's time to escape that hard exoskeleton on your own! One thing I've realized while learning to do my own laundry is that it usually takes longer than you think, so the next time you feel yourself growing too large for that outer-shell, give yourself a few weeks to claw your way out. You might lose a limb or three on the way out, but they'll grow back before you know it. Of course, don't forget to use your favorite fabric softener (and if you don't have one, ask your mom what she uses).


3.) Grocery Shopping
The grocery store was fun when you were younger, but now that you're an adult it can be a little overwhelming. Whatever happened to squirming around on the bottom of a trash can with your 7,000 brothers and sisters while your mom and dad brought back pieces of raw meat for you to slowly devour? Well, now that you're adulting, it's up to YOU to provide your own offspring with raw meat, and - while it can seem tedious - couponing can go a looooong way. Check out inserts from your local paper, or websites like Groupon, for the best deals on moldy bread, rotten fruit, or - if you're lucky - a freshly dead raccoon.


4.) Sacrificing Yourself for the Good of the Hive
Living on your own in society is hard enough, but always being on the lookout for threats to the hive can make adulting downright impossible! You might be at a party trying not to make a fool of yourself on the dance floor, when suddenly the roof caves in killing dozens of your friends and family members. Talk about awkward! This happens all the time, so don't worry. Did you know they now have an app that tracks where the threat is coming from and helps you eliminate it? It's called PROTECT THE QUEEN. All you have to do is download PROTECT THE QUEEN to your phone, tap PROTECT THE QUEEN, and you will be able to protect the queen. It guzzles a lot of data, but don't worry about that because you'll probably die.


5.) Paying Taxes
Sometimes it seems like the IRS wants to make things difficult for you, but it doesn't have to be such a struggle if you know some of the loopholes. If you write "I AM INSECT" in every box on your tax form, the IRS is legally not allowed to make you pay taxes. I'll bet you wish they taught you that instead of How to Escape the Clutches of a Venomous Spider in high school!
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