CULTURE MUSINGS: "The Force Awakens" - My Spoiler-Free Review

The Force Awakens is very likely the most anticipated movie since Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2, so it has a lot to live up to. With a cast of returning characters such as Chewbacca "Chewie" Johnson (played by Mark Ruffalo's feet), and C3PO (played by Julie Andrews), the movie has the challenge of balancing time between the "Space Fighters" we know and love and newcomers to the saga, villain Kylo Ren (played by Mark Ruffalo from the knees up and Martin Mull below the knees), and space mail carrier turned space baker Bette Midler (playing herself). As Darth Vader himself would say, "Yowza! We sure are in fer a wild ride, ain't we!"

The film opens with an action sequence: laser guns shooting at space ships, space ships shooting at planets that are actually grapes from a ginormous picnic basket, and terrified space people yelling "LOOK OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A SPACE SHIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOOK OUT!!!!!!!!!! ANOTHER SPACE SHIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" It's a sequence that consumes the entire first one hour and fifteen minutes of the film, but the action never takes away from our beloved characters. For instance, even though Poe Dameron (Jay Leno) shoots a bad a$$ gun throughout the film, we never forget his troubled past, thanks to the sign he wears around his neck that says I HAVE A TROUBLED PAST. This connects him to the character of Finn (a completely CGI character voiced by the dog who played Happy on Seventh Heaven), who wears a sign around his neck that says ME TOO.

I won't spoil the ending for you, but the final five minutes explains a question that has bugged Star Wars fans for years: why does Yoda never eat coleslaw on screen? It's answered in a way that will be a great callback to some of the older Star Wars viewers, and will cause irreparable damage to the psyches of younger viewers. While the ending answers this and more questions, it also brings up even MORE questions that will likely be answered in this final season of The Good Wife starring Julianna Margulies.

The biggest disappointment of the film is the characterization of Han Solo's brother Guy (played by Dark Knight star Heath Ledger). As one of the first openly narcoleptic characters in the Star Wars series, his roll in the film is limited to comic relief, saying things like, "Aw shucks, I fell asleep eating moon soup again... And it's all over my space suit," and, "The darkest evil in the universe is not war, but intolerance - and it cannot be defeated unless all of us - me, you, and even you (points to camera) say 'no' to bullying." It's an unfortunate case of stereotyping for a series that is usually so adept in its portrayal of characters with sleep disorders.

This film will certainly please die hard fans of the Star Wars saga, while also invigorating fans of the HBO political comedy Veep. Rating: 91,775,983,222.5 out of 100,000,000,000 stars.

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